My NO SHOPPING year

 I knew that I have shopping problems long ago. I knew I could spend everything on beautiful things, dresses especially. I have the whole collection of items I've never worn and probably never will.

   I cannot say I love shopping, I love dresses, oh, I do. But in my case, it is not just love, but some kind of obsession, which I am sober enough to understand, is not good. I am afraid I might have this Compulsive Buyer Disorder or oniomania- a kind of a personality disorder, it could be a part of a bipolar disorder or a clinical addiction. At some point when a person cannot understand one's feelings, is depressed and lonely he/she starts buying things- online or in the malls, doesn't matter, because what matters is that the process of purchasing gives these "high" moments, the fake feeling of happiness and satisfaction, it fills this hole inside of a person. But just for a very short period of time, because "a low" moment comes right after, characterized by anger and regret about your previous act ( purchase) leading to an urge for another spree. So the whole thing repeats itself again and again.

There might be serious consequences of this addiction- like when a person uses a credit card and the debt is growing, shopping becomes a secretive act, with the same ups and downs of the mood after which a person feels so ashamed that the price of this purchasing act becomes super high in mental and emotional terms.

   There are many reasons why someone becomes addicted to shopping, like emotional deprivation in childhood and approval seeking. But what more or less matches with me is the inability to tolerate negative feelings, loneliness, fear, and anger. I understood this long ago, some 5 years ago, when I started buying only second-hand items or waiting for sales. Then I got rid of my credit card. But still, it was not enough. It is still not enough.

 I want to be strong emotionally, I want to rule my feelings, I want to be free, not to fill this hole inside of me with all those dresses but to fill it with the happiness of life, appreciation, and love.

   So this is the best solution I could find for myself- not to buy anything for the whole year. I started this personal challenge at the beginning of July 2017 and it feels great so far!